Even though I can see that this person is not for me and that I know deep down I dont want him. Thanks for sharing that Rachel. This was before I learned about limerence. (SO WHAT is RELAPSE THEN?). Thats all we can hope for. Just because I thought about him a lot. At first it was hard and it did take time but fake it until you make it. I seriously thought I had everything under control and we were friends, clearly I was delusional. Its just a case of riding it out and not contacting LO. Things with SO are going well, and I do wonder how much is related to compensating for any guilt that exists from being back in touch with LO. Without judgement and without analyzing why just that you feel a certain way. Those who are unaware they are in Limerence will go to major lengths to protect their own self-made delusion. Do you want to stop? I promised my LO NC since its painful for him I have a SO, so I will keep my promise. https://tinybuddha.com/blog/surprising-way-let-go-painful-feelings-the-past/. It isnt a linear process and I often regress back to earlier stages of limerence, but the most important thing is that things are slowly getting better at least with respect to the limerence itself (my marriage is a different story). I told him, the old fashioned way, I picked her up in a bar. (true). Why keep going back for more? Top Gun is a metaphor for my 5yr relationship with LO #2. Then of course they did and dated for the last 3 years of my college years. Fellow Lim is so right.each passing day will empower you.and its not a straight trajectory but overall you keep moving forwardtoward freedom and peace of mind and heart. Learn how your comment data is processed. Thanks guys good to hear it wasnt a relapse as I was proud of my progress in not initiating messages to her asking how she is etc. I need to do lots of things but I can't focus, he keeps popping into my thoughts. Thanks Royce. My mantra I repeat everyday is Its quite an exquisite pain. Keep in mind, I am only 13 years old, so Ive never seen Top Gun. Today. I just wanna know how you got past the first few awful days. Limerence has such tantalizing effect for creative outlet. Anyway, I do know that Mr. Lee and I have discussed the short-term social bounce he would have enjoyed if the younger, more attractive woman had taken up with him. I am better able to compartmentalize my feelings and restrict my fantasies and ruminations to certain times and during specific activities. I guess Im trying to maintain dignity and the status quo and break the spell without making noise to her about it (i.e. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. I knew she would be fine and was better off being able to leave with us still on good professional terms. Were their uglier characteristics or character there all along and noted by others in which case why did you choose that person; or did they keep it under wraps until they couldnt be bothered anymore? Yes it would be joint decision with wife And she is already up for it if I get the offer for the job. It will be a giant step for me, Ive spent my whole life pleasing others and going against that always creates turmoil for me internally. Was tough month But yeah got through it. I still spend far too much time fantasizing about being with her and what I would say if I ever ran into her again. But LO was just a catalyst. It was only until this year that I really explored my feelings, becoming self-aware, and trying to understand myself and who I am better. Its hard, but you have to keep going. 30 years ago, I introduced my 52 blonde, blue-eyed bundle of cute to my co-workers, one of them asked how I managed to snag a woman like that. Its taken every ounce of self control not to lose my shit, I was so tempted to pull him aside and ask WTF was up, but I didnt. You are trying to prop that door open and, perhaps, without your wifes knowledge. I call it day 9. Given you the opportunity to see what a relationship with them would be like? That isnt cool. And, whatever you do, avoid the urge to kiss her. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Time will heal you and all of us. He left me with hope for a future unknown time and its feeding my limerence to some degree. You arent shallow- youre deep- too deep. This faint hope is keeping my dream of being with her alive. First my work phone then work emails forwarded to the trash (I was transferred at my request to another branch so there was no longer a need to keep in touch), then a fellow employees phone who called me then she was handed the phone. . Clip of the Day https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wujVMIYzYXg The Princess Bride (1987). 5 no disclosing and no romantic gestures. LO #2 was afraid Id take off on her and my dissmissive-avoidant style did nothing to calm those fears. No matter how well you think through it and craft something you think is so completely unambiguous that it cannot possibly be misconstrued, theres a good chance it could be. This is what has helped me over the last few weeks. Wake up!" That backfires, big time. If she contacts me thats a different story, but I cant initiate contact to make myself feel better because Im sure Id be underwhelmed by her response and end up feeling worse eventually. Your email address will not be published. But Im proud of my actions and strength not to engage. Sam has a happy life ahead, but its so bittersweet because the old adventure has ended forever. How is that not real? Yep, Feb 1st is as good a landmark as any to start that new life. @sophie. Hopefully not 6 months though See if operant conditioning works. No blaming myself. He married another woman and stayed married to her over 40 years until she died. Very cathartic. It does scare me some people say they still have intrusive thoughts of LO, after 6 months or more of NC. I did think of how my LO related to social climbing. then no contact until 1st march where I will send a message as a friend wishing her best for her 1s day at work (she is travelling in Feb with family) (this is my expected relapse as per point 2 above as i will be thinking of her on her first day all alone) Therefore, we Needless to say I blocked that number. But amour once a week was a pretty telling auto-correct. @Sophie Limited contact is ok but Ive found that with this you ultimately know that you will see/speak to LO again and you always have that next interaction in mind and can be easily drawn back in. Limerence is an involuntary emotion. I realise our situations are different, but when I went NC I left LO with a card, thanking him for all his support when we worked together and briefly explaining why I was leaving. And I think thats whats making me feel not so good. Writing my goodbye email right now. That at least gave me some relief from LO thoughts, even if not that fun. Thanks Dr L for remembering My accountant got involved with a married man and was considered a home wrecker. If I can, even better. Can just one person go to couples counselling, and is that even likely to be helpful? I was doing well with not contacting LO but then she got in touch with me and I crumbled pretty easily. It will pass. I asked the therapist how a woman I never met living 2500 miles away could be causing me such anxiety. Good that youre feeling positive Kevin and sounds like your determined to sort things out. I submitted another post with a link to a more recent research paper and its gone *poof! Trying to just move on and see Ive dodged a bullet and figuring out what my own issues are to improve on. Thought I could hang onto to just one but it increased my pain last night. Chemistry versus compatibility: how to choose a partner, Case study: finding purpose out of limerence, The worst case of limerence Ive ever seen. Like my attachment to this LO will be a permanent unhealed wound. Kevin its perfectly natural to wonder what her motives were. In the meantime maybe my journals will give me thateventually. Staring at a picture of her is going to do you no favours and you could always just send a short message back saying something like looks like a great holiday. Im not talking about the involuntary interest. Limerence is certainly real. You sound as though youve already made up your mind but want permission to follow through. In my head I was like oh great. Oh noo! Hiss! Im trying to avoid that conversation and be normal when she is asking for something and then hope post Jan it all slides away. As I mentioned, its upto me how react so I am totally accountable and more upset with myself. It was pretty embarassing. Are you currently in contact? So absurd. One day we will all be healed and pain free! Sometimes its like Im on a role though and nothing will snap me out of the anxiety. Seems like this could go on and on my whole life. I think she will stay in touch but will die off eventually with adhoc messages here and there.and I will remember your advise on delaying responses. You can do a so much better than your LO, I know it! I went from the secret relationship only to seriously thinking about the above question. I talk a lot about limerence being understandable as person addiction, and again, the analogy here fits quite nicely. I created this picture in my mind that LO needed me and I couldnt not be friends. Have you had the leaving do yet? Yes I agree that there will be no digging as I have one more day to go. I just feel so stupid and embarrassed, obviously Ive built this Limerence up to be this glorious thing that sparkles and shines along with a whole freaking choir of angels and string ensemble while LO can just switch it off at will. Its normal. Many thanks to the artists who offer their work for free with a CC licence. 40 days ago I went NC for real this time and the first days I did nothing but cry, scream in my pillow , hyperventilate with primal fear and just let the grief come over me, I had no choice. LO doesnt do what you expect, and you end up in the fog of uncertainty again and feeling worse than ever. That statement also can provide cover for a lot of actions, like delayed responses. How vile. He knows the deal and why. In the meantime its important to navigate these last few days without digging a deeper hole. LO replied to my NC text very kindly saying he was surprised that I still felt that way way (earlier on in my limerence it was mutual) but understood that I had to do this for myself. Im guessing this is because I havent had a LO fix for a while? Whilst Im a little shocked and surprised by his actions, as he has been very distant with me, Im pleased I pass a huge milestone in this recovery. Been tryna keep busy with friends, meditation to get down to the root cause of my affair. His SO isnt really my cup of tea anyway but shes still nice to me. The goodbye (hug) will be hard actually it wont, i will make it easy. Remember this You are not meant for this person and they are on their own path dont try to be friends it will never work, let it go. You can work through it and move on to find a better relationship based on healthy Attachment & mutual love. In short, I was doing something I didnt really want to do in a manner I didnt want to do it in. So of course I had to deal with seeing them together throughout my finals and I was an emotional wreck. To live a life fully transparent with EVERYONE, joy and inner peace, and CONTROL of my thoughts and emotions!! https://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2019/05/you-can-appreciate-what-someone-toxic-has-done-for-you-without-keeping-them-around/. The combination of relief and sadness you mention is exactly right. NO Contact with LO. They are so distracted it is akin to driving drunk. And the broken dreams speak for themselves when it comes to desiring someone else. Would it be possible that after your marriage and LO you will eventually find peace and maybe even find a new partner? The thing is my grief isnt just about grieving for the loss of my relationship with my LO, but it is also about not knowing what to do about my marriage and the hurt my brother in-law must have caused my LO because she clearly cares for him. She knows I married but she never stopped me or told me to rein things in. This sub is a community of people who self-identify as being in the state of limerence and are looking for support and strategies to deal with their condition. I responded whilst avoiding eye contact that it was good to catch up a little and said bye. 1 I stayed marginal. @Scarny thanks loved that short clip. He tried being nice to lure you back in, then mean to get a reaction from you, and now the full frontal attack of I miss you. Find out more regarding the mental apparent symptoms of limerence here. At night I lay awake in a cold sweat. In my mind that was the last solo moment with her. Distinct from love (as it is traditionally understood), or lust, limerence is a concept pioneered by psychologist Dorothy Tennov's seminal research as described in her book, "Love and Limerence." And nobody was there to help me, or possibly, I was afraid to get help and/or I felt at the time that I didnt want the help. Even as we departed yesterday she said she will send me photos of her holiday that she is going to 1st before she starts her job. Would LO #4 ever love me, trust me, want to be with me, and have my back? He was not limerent for me. That didnt stop me from doing it but it also backfired. That is on them. Thanks that helps I only heard one side of the story. Heres to 8 weeks NC next time . I let go of all this which I should have done ages ago. you sound as if you are ! I too have been back and forth being friends and then NC. Nice swaths of time feeling clear of it but obviously not out of the woods yet. I have the exact same thing! He sent one down the wire and she sent one back. But I guess my question should have been that WHY did she not stop me (sorry was feeling annoyed this morning but i know its not her fault) I know she has no responsibility too as im the one that should be behaving . Who cares why she didnt stop you. Instead I pretended I hadnt noticed and chatted like nothing was wrong, at home however I fell to pieces and SO noticed. Stay strong now and do not initiate any sort of contact. I still think about my LO far too much and ruminate about her far more than I should, but I now find that I can concentrate and focus on other things much better than before. Dr. L. are they in the spam folder or did you decide they werent a good fit for this thread? Now the interesting part will be if she is feeling the same and contacts me. The first time I talked to him I instantly felt limerence for him, I even dreamed about meeting him and his family few hours after first talking to him online (How creepy I am). So while I can try to avoid LO, we investably bump into each other but I can minimise contact by not engaging. You do not owe anyone any explanation. And STILL, it was so hard to move on, and STILL I tried to be friends with him and be there for him, I even gave him advice how to get together with his LO, helped interpret texts from her as a good friend would do (I mean does it get more pathetic than that?!) But awareness is half the battle! I am recently engaged to my best friend. Still, I am not quite ready to give up on us just yet. And yes, wish there was support group since its such a taboo subject to bring up. I really appreciated his response , it kinda allowed me to go forth into this journey knowing theres no bad blood btn us. Knowledge is power! I too fell for it and told her that things wont be the same without her. But, overall, Im in a better place as a result of them. Another day of successful NC for you. Then the question is, what do you do when you have to face the fact of your un-changed social status vis a vis your inflated self image? My goal is to have a life free from guilt, stress, dishonesty, powerlessness. If not, you are not being completely honest with yourself about your motives. I feel that strength in me. Your email address will not be published. Am 6 days into yet another stated NC and just wonder what even is love if not this? And, perhaps, without your wifes knowledge avoid LO, I am better able to my... Fantasizing about being with her and my dissmissive-avoidant style did nothing to calm those fears see that this is. Appreciated his response, it kinda allowed me to go forth into this journey knowing theres bad! Wrong, at home however I fell to pieces and so noticed its upto me how react so am. 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Is a metaphor for my 5yr relationship with them would be joint decision with wife and she one. Week was a pretty telling auto-correct limerence withdrawal symptoms anxiety into each other but ca... And nothing will snap me out of the story afraid Id take off her... Old, so I will make it Bride ( 1987 ) thoughts, even if not fun.
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